#ichoosepleasure – Part 4

Let’s re-cap:  you’ve started to own your beauty; you’ve started to see there is no scarcity of soul mate “options” and you’re ready to enjoy the journey, not just the destination.  But what if you still feel stuck in that place where you are just “not unhappy”? How do you get from being just okay to being deeply satisfied?  How do you go from just making it through the day to having a luscious life that is much, much better than barely getting by?  A life that makes you a joy (and love) magnet?

Photo Credit: Karen Bardavid

Photo Credit: Karen Bardavid

Our intention creates our reality —Wayne Dyer

There are definitely days that feel like too much.  The list of things you need to do is too long.  The amount of sleep you got last night is not enough.  It’s 7:00AM and you are already behind, kids running late for school, lunches to be made and you are trying hard not to start thinking about how you are going to get everything you need to do done.  Oh, and tonight is the f’ing Science Fair.  Yes, I have those days.  Being a deeply satisfied woman doesn’t mean that I get to skip the hard days, it just means that I have a question that makes all the difference to how I deal with them. 

WHAT WILL I BE HAPPY I CHOSE?

I start at the end.  How will my choice feel after it’s made?  The donut sounds really good until I remember how a big sugar and dough ball is going to feel in my stomach about 15 minutes after the last bite.  So I choose one luscious donut hole savored with a cup of coffee as a mid-morning snack instead of slamming my empty stomach with a foot-long maple bar.  I can feel bad about not showering until 3pm on a Saturday or I can declare at 8am that it’s going to be a “pajama day” and feel luxurious instead of guilty.  I can throw together a really quick, not amazing, dinner but be satisfied that I didn’t resort to fast food.  Or I can go ahead and let the kids have In n Out Burger, because I know that I needed that extra time to make sure the kids had clean clothes for tomorrow.  Each choice and trade off is made from a place of knowing I’m doing the best I can, so maybe I don’t have to beat myself up quite so much for the imperfections.

Photo Credit: Karen Bardavid

Photo Credit: Karen Bardavid

Because there will be days when you come home and what you really crave is to have a conversation, to be heard, for someone to really see how exhausting it is for you to keep it all together.  You try to think of who will listen, who will take your call, and whether you can handle the rejection if they don’t have the time or the energy to talk to you.  Maybe you aren’t even sure you have the energy to have the conversation that is very likely to leave you feeling scrubbed bare.  You aren’t certain you can really handle the feeling of being rejected if no one is there to listen or you don’t get the response you need.  Again.  And then you see the box of Girl Scout Cookies.  Ooh, look, there’s a Chopped marathon on The Food Network!  You pour yourself a glass of wine, bust open a sleeve of Thin Mints and the desire to have that soul conversation is numbed over…remember a few weeks ago, I mentioned that I would tell you why so many unhappily married people put on weight?

When you are avoiding the darkness in a failing marriage, not wanting to bring on the hard conversations and the tears – it is so, so much easier to fill that place with mindless television, another glass of wine or more of the really luscious, dark chocolate.  Want to have that deep, scary conversation that could take us somewhere we aren’t sure we want to go?  Or we could get take-out from the good Thai place and see what’s on Netflix?  Which is easier to choose?  Pass the menus and open a bottle of wine, honey.  I’ll go shopping for Spanx tomorrow.

WHAT WILL I BE HAPPY I CHOSE?

Even if you are past the hard conversations, maybe you haven’t stopped using wine or chocolate to fill those parts of you that are a little scary to look to closely at (or maybe you use exercise, work or just busy-ness in general – choose your own adventure, it’s all the same avoidance tactic, dude).  You find yourself filling up on food or television or snuggles with your kid when what your body really wants is a mind-blowing orgasm.  Sometimes we feel too tired for a mind-blowing orgasm, even if it’s what we are deeply craving, not because we don’t have the energy for the physical part but because we don’t have the emotional energy to be that intimate and vulnerable (yes, I’m including “solo ventures”, too).  The difference between feeling exhausted by what I didn’t do and filled up by what I did, is deciding at the beginning that my choice is okay.

WHAT WILL I BE HAPPY I CHOSE?

Photo Credit: Karen Bardavid

Photo Credit: Karen Bardavid

Some days I crave touch, but we have four kids and it can be hard to find time for each other on top of our work obligations, keeping the house out of disaster mode, and meeting all the kids’ needs.  So I make sure to tell my husband what I need early in the evening, I keep dinner simple, let him take care of the kitchen and head up to our bedroom at least an hour before I’m truly exhausted so that I create space for affection.  I don’t say yes to the extra load of laundry, or the extra peek at Facebook along the way – those will still be there tomorrow.  And I will sleep much better after some alone time and allowing myself the time to receive affection when I’m not so tired and cranky that nothing he could do would be enough.  I might even get a foot rub.  You’d be surprised what you can have when you ask for what you want and make space to receive it.

WHAT WILL I BE HAPPY I CHOSE?

Whether it’s a donut, affection or another glass of wine, imagine how you will feel afterwards when deciding what you really want.  You don’t need another fad diet, a time management system or any other set of rules.  You just need to take a breath, hand to your heart and ask.

Ready for Part 5?  Click here.

 

 

 

Comments

  1. Hey there Keri,

    My inbox has been An increasing source of stress for me; i’m drowning in weekly Updates by FAVOURITE blogger-coaChes and i find i’m filIng them away Unread* – with the best of intentions to Enjoy them later – I need to create some space among the clutter.

    However your #ichoosepleasUre series has me reading, not filing. the emotional chAllenges you identify (No one there for a Much-needed debrief / the emotional energy needed to be intimate and vulnerable sexually…even with oneself) are resonant and intense. Your practical strategies (an hour alone before bedtime / Good-enough dinners) speak of a woman wIth great self respect. TELLING YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU NEED EARLY in the evening is not only strategic, but Could be revolutionary, if adopted widely. and Your important takeaway is memorable as much For its precise wording as its repetItion (which works weLl). I love that this question can be applied to choices far beyond what we swallow. Above and BeyonD all this, there’s Something fresh in your posts that Raises them above the pack in my Overburdened inbox.

    Sincerely,
    Ivy

    *Hannah the exception

    Our hannah is the exception

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