Are you ready to ‘fess up?

Photo Credit: Karen Bardavid

Photo Credit: Karen Bardavid

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.” Oprah Winfrey

I was talking to a very dear friend about asking for what we need.  It sounds easy, right?  Need some salt for your potatoes?  Ask for the salt.  Need to avoid dairy? Ask for your burger without the cheese.  Life is just better when you get what you need.

Okay, but what if you need your honey to whisper in your ear that you are hot?  And you need him to do that when you are doing the dishes.  But not while you are scrubbing a really gross pan.  It would be great if it was when you were gracefully rinsing a wine glass.  And, truthfully, you need him to nuzzle your neck.  Okay, really, if we are being completely honest, you’d like him to specifically mention why he thinks you are hot and he needs to wait for at least some time period after you’ve asked for it so it feels honest (but not so long that you think he forgot and your feelings get hurt).  Yeah, it’s complicated and awkward, right?

Back to my dear friend, we had been talking about love languages and asking for what we need…she tells me that she tried to ask for what she needs, but it didn’t go exactly as she’d hoped.  She told me I could share the story here (you know, in the interest of all women getting what they need, she’s awesome like that):

I need to hear words of affirmation that I am sexy and desirable.

So I say “May I ask you for a compliment?”  He laughs, hugs me close to him and says, softly “You’re nice.”  He holds me, strokes my back, and allows me to sink into the love language of touch, both of our favorite and most desired forms of expression.

I purr: “Was that it?”

He holds me tighter, face pressed to mine and says, flirtatiously “You’re my favorite.”

He’s still not giving me what I need, and I can’t seem to be more specific.

“Was that my compliment?”

Thankfully he’s not getting pissed at this game.  Face to mine, lips on my cheek he speaks again “You smell nice.”

“Doesn’t count. You say that every day.”

“It’s true! And I can’t keep my face off of yours, how about that? Does that count? Is that a good one?”

I am covered in kisses.

Someday I will tell him that I need to hear him say “You have great tits” or “I stare at your ass when you walk away”.

Not because I need to hear it to know that it’s true, but because I need to hear myself say that out loud.  I want to conquer my fear of admitting it. I want to stop telling myself it’s too needy, too vain, too shallow, too much.

I want the courage to ask.

You should know that she is super hot and she has a honey whose eyes light up when she walks in the room.  Yet even with all that, it’s scary to ask for what you need when just admitting that you need it is embarrassing.  But if we only get what we are brave enough to ask for, then there is only one way to get from here to joy, isn’t there?

Photo Credit: Death To Stock Photos

Photo Credit: Death To Stock Photos

Maybe you don’t need “sexy talk”, you need alone time.  And your definition of alone time means you are the only person at home, not that you are locked in the bathroom with a toddler whining on the other side of the door or someone “checking on you” every ten minutes.  It might feel okay to say you need alone time and then it might feel ungrateful or greedy to ask that everyone else leave (and not text, call or e-mail you every 5 minutes while they are gone).  But if we don’t ask, if we don’t give the embarrassing details – we don’t get what we need.

Will you ask for what you need?  Even the little details that make you feel like a crazy person for asking?  I hope you do and I hope you share how that goes in the comments, let’s choose courageous pleasure together.


  1. […] Ask for the words that you crave to hear your sweetheart say out loud. […]

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